venom engulfs the most precious fairy tales

incessant ramblings

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:23:17 GMT

Things have been up and down. Still need a job badly. Dad's doing worse than ever. My hearts as usual a big ol' mess. I got everything set up for Boston University, got the scholarship paying for half of my tuition but have not heard from FAFSA so i don't even know if ill need student loans yet or not. I want to move out and move on with my life but even that doesn't seem like a nearby future for me. I wish one thing would just fall into place a job making 13/hour full time and id be content. i could pay my bills, get an apt with someone, and actually start living. Im so sick of these walls at my grandparents i want my own place. one day ill have a place to call my own home....one day

Tue, 12 May 2009 01:39:28 GMT

Anthony signed up for the army 8 years. I don't know if the 2 at Norwich is taken off off that but I doubt it. He failed to conversate at all via im or phone call for two weeks after I went and saw him for his Junior Ring. Against my better judgement I let Brendan back into my life and I recently came to a conclusion that I would be with Brendan. Reason being that Anthony will not be done Norwich until 2011 and then he will be in the military for 8 years. He plans to be in Washington doing computer security or whatever it is he specifically wants to do. I don't know as is if this summer he would want a relationship bf/gf style, a "dating" type of thing, or basically an "im home" fuck buddy. I wanted to have a talk with him about that after I came back from Vermont but he didn't talk to me. His answer was going to be my choice. If he had said I want to do the dating thing and potentially the bf/gf thing than I would've tossed brendan forever aside. I should have done that anyways but obviously i have a soft spot for him. I reasoned that even if Anthony wanted to be my boyfriend the long distance would be tough not only that but if we survive his time at Norwich what then? He'd have to marry me for me to go with him, if i even was willing to. Best case scenario I can go or he does want to marry me, what then? Follow him around, try raising a family alone while hes off doing this mission and that mission? What if the wars are worse? What if he dies and Im stuck raising a family alone. Not only that but my life I feel deserves more than following someone around like a lost puppy dog from place to place. I want my own dreams. Thats why I decided to let Brendan back into my life because he wants a family, wants to take care of me, have a home and a job and a future. I dont know what the fuck anthony wants and even if he wanted that what if i feel my life is going to be more worthy than that of a depressed army wife. My aunt is always upset when her husband Pat is doing military stuff and my cousin Rolly's wife is the same. I dont want that fate. But i still cant get anthony off of my mind despite of my "decision" and he got home yesterday and he called me yesterday which has to say something and obviously got my mind racing. I couldnt pick up because brendan was here and now its all i can think about. i want to talk to him, see him but at the same time i know i cant. I just feel so fucking around him, his drinking habits worry me from time to time but I know he wouldnt become an alcoholic because his mother is becoming one and he cant stand it. i always have a shit eating grin on my face when im around him and a part of me feels completely over brendan. i am merely holding onto the idea of him, in my heart im not sure he is meant to be with me. i sometimes wonder if anthony is but when i over analyze and start thinking of the future i dont think my fate is that of a depressed mopey basically single parent chasing after a military man. i wish anthony just never joined the military. then life would be simple. i worry im always makign the wrong choice. these feelings i have for anthony must mean something but i just cant bear to handle not feeling adored, the whole military thing, the constant partying, the semi decent sex when i have brendan who worships the ground i walk on, almost does anything for me, wants a future, and is good in bed. ugh im such a fucking mess. i feel either way i hurt myself and possibly another (in anthony's case who knows if he would be hurt i went back to brendan, if he would be i wouldn't know because he doesnt relay shit unless hes wasted. god forbid he open up). ughhhh what the fuck should i do?

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:02:24 GMT

my life has become a black hole that seems to only attract negativity. im cracking up. i truly am. i fear the end of this year will see me in the looney bin. i feel alone, so alone. i feel abandoned by my father, by people who should care for me, by people who say they care about me. everyone is so wrapped up in their life and their stuff that they dont see me slipping through the cracks. im just not as emotionally strong to be capable to handle this many months with this many negative aspects in a row, im just not. i thought and wish i was but the truth of the matter is im not. i try to stay positive, i try to soak up each and every little piece of happiness i get but as soon as im positive more bad news or situations arise.i hide behind marijuana to try to act like its okay, to try to not think about just the vast amount of shit piled high in my life. i smoke and smoke, sometimes 3 or more times in a day, just to burrow these issues, to forget about them even for a moment. When im not high I try to be productive and get the shit done that must be done to try to provide myself with a prosperous future. i feel like 'ok, i have this this and this to do for school so let's do it'. its kept me living and hoping for a better life but it just never comes. how long can one seek solace from a drug before life just consumes them regardless? people for months have been saying to me its going to get better. its sad when your best friend even says life has been extremely shitty for you and that something HAS to give, then turns around and wonders herself why nothing has looked up for you. when others see that, when others can't even keep hope for you anymore because of all the negative shit that keeps happening, what hope can you honestly keep for youself?

FUCK MY LIFE

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 02:46:26 GMT

Hours at work got cut once again. My manager gave me some bullshit about our regional saying she had to work a certain amount of hours so to make up the difference she had to take time from both katelyn and I. I came to the realization that with my new salary even if I were to save every cent from every paycheck, which is damn near impossible, I would still fall short in paying both my car insurance and my car payment. That means there's no way of paying for my health insurance, cell phone bill, or any other bill! If I don't get another job or some sort of income by the time my savings run out in May/June I am FUCKED. Why does life constantly love to fucking shit on me? I just do not understand it!

Is there a light at the tunnel? Or is merely a freight train coming to end your misery?

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:29:49 GMT

I'm starting to worry myself. Lately I've been thinking about suicide and or self mutilation and I haven't put thought into either in quite some time. Bad shit keeps happening and I know that it gets worse before it gets better but honestly, when is that time? It just seems to get worse and worse instead of slowly getting better. Even the toughest of backs have the capability of breaking and even the thickest skin can be cut. Lately I have not only been stressed about finding a new job but also about potentially losing my car but also family issues, friend issues, and relationship issues. If I don't find a better income situation by May it is quite possible I will have to start choosing do I want to pay my cell phone or my car insurance? Which bill would I rather be late for? If I don't have something by July my car will be repossessed. Thus far my call backs haven't amounted to anything and I'm lucky to be called back once for ever 30 jobs I apply to. If that isn't disheartening enough, my father called me this past Weds. He told me he had been jumped (mind you about 2 weeks prior on a Monday he had been stabbed in the back and needed 13 stitches, this was his second stabbing in a year) by 7 guys. He went on to brag that all they did was break some ribs and his nose. Oh really that's all...WTF that's a pretty big fucking deal! He told me he wanted to see me on Monday and that he would call around 9 or walk here and that we should go see a movie or just hang out. I called him selfish, told him he didn't love me enough because if he did he would be trying to get better and be there for me and Devon and not in that neighborhood with that bitch being beat by groups of people. He said I was right and than we got off the phone shortly with him telling me he'd see me Monday and that he loved me. The convo. sorta put a damper on the rest of the night despite beach pizza, bud, bekka, and ghost hunters. I doubted I'd see him Monday but deep down theres always a well "what if he really will be?" Well its monday...at 11:30am. I haven't heard from my father and when I called his cell phone a half an hour ago it was off. I left a message. On top of these issues I sorta had a falling out with JJ. Its a long story but it ends with him not even caring about me being upset over something, he wont even bother seeing my side of the story and he is now ignoring me. Fucking fabulous. Bekka is moving to an apartment in lowell with cassandra because I cannot afford my bills right now let alone moving out and she needed a place to go by April 1st. So now Im going to see her even less frequently than when she lived 15 minutes away in Merimac! I feel I lost one best friend JJ and am petrified to lose another. My love life is all sorts of fucked up with me pretty much trying to forgive Brendan and I told him of my interest in Anthony, it hurt him but I can't keep it a secret forever. He doesn't know quite the details but he does know im sort of in a 'what if' stage of feeling with Anthony and that I want to explore it if i can. I told him if he truly thinks im the one and if I truly am no matter what whats meant to be will be. I dont want to hurt him but i feel not telling him will only lead to issues and more pain for him and me in the end. I dunno life is just fucked and each day it seems something new and depressing is added to my already burdened heart and soul. School's been stressing me out too with the whole B.U issues im having and current heavy homework and test courseload at necc. I need a miracle or at least a few good things to happen to me or I seriously fear im going to lose it.

You'd think I was tripping with the shit I've seen tonight!

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 04:55:08 GMT

So tonight my mother needed cheering up so Bekka and I decided to meet up at OG's and have a drink with my her while laughing at a few people doing Kareoke. We saw the most random fucking people and were laughing our asses off. These people included: A 'little person' singing demonically to "Dragula", an old man (wearing an open shirt with his hairy chest showing; a gawdy necklace nestled in the hairs) who lures a birthday girl to dance while he gyrates and dances around her, Charlie (the dude in the tye dye shirt playing air guitar while other people were doing kareoke) and than belted out this old school song, some creep who bought Bekka and I a beer, another creep who tried hitting on my MOTHER,this burnt out woman who had no rhythm but would dance with her boyfriend who my mother described as the taco bell manager (he was wearing dress shoes, a collared button up complete with tie...oh and long hair which he braided and let fall halfway down his back)she at some point was dancing with this scarf and than decided to go sing kareoke (she sang metallica "enter sandman" to which she would dance awkwardly for a few seconds than switch it up to this stiff attempt at headbanging which made her already messy hair look like she stuck her finger in a light socket). There were a few more people we got to laugh at but I wont list them all. After dropping off my mother we smoke a bowl and out of NOWHERE there were like 3 regular cruisers one SUV police vehicle and mad cops outside of the cars with some weird shit in the road...they didnt have a bit of light on them and I had to swerve a bit to make sure I wouldnt hit any of them! AHhhh what an insane night haha

Being human and feeling emotions is not always so great

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 01:31:41 GMT

I miss having someone constantly around. I miss cuddling. I miss sleeping next to a warm body. I miss sex. I miss compliments. I miss so fucking much. I want to go and see if my feelings with anthony have lingered for a reason but I fear I am too emotionally weak to wait it out. He's so fucking far away. When he is here its heaven and I miss feeling so happy. But when he's gone its hard because I want these things I miss and with him I wouldnt be able to have them unless its Summertime or his break. I worry thats not good enough to keep me emotionally satisfied. I worry that alone will cause me to make certain decisions that are not the best for me. Today Shannon and I talked at work. She told me theres a kid she never gave a chance and to this day she wonders what if. I told her thats how I was with Anthony and how I wanted to see what will happen if we actually try to make something. She told me to go and do it, shes married and she said she loves her husband so much but every time she sees this one kid she is sorta sad inside and wonders what would have happened had she given him a chance. She encouraged me to go about my Anthony conquest and I truly want to. I want to know if its just my memories making me still feel for him or if it really is something more. But like i said, I fear that being lonely will get to me before I get to see Anthony again :/

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 05:00:07 GMT

Well Brendan certainly helped me decide with his actions. Over a week ago he called me a whore on his friend's wall. I had no idea. But on Thursday morning while surfing facebook before work I saw that this girl wrote on Brendan's wall that she was glad it would be easy for him to get over me knowing I was a WHORE. So i flip a shit, contact Brendan, he's pissed about it and gets the girl to apologizing. He acted like she pulled it out of thin air! Now I find out he said it too!!! I don't know what the fuck he was thinking. Bekka also found that he said something about falling for shitty females! For someone who is suppose to love you to drag your name through the mud simply because they want to save face. He said he didn't want to seem like a loser. So basically he lied and called me a whore and made people think I cheated on him and that is why we were broken up. I told him he was a horrible person and I didn't want to be his friend or have him in my life. I made him retract his statements on his status for all to read and than didn't talk to him. But later on I had to contact him because his friend chris wrote on his wall saying i dressed and acted like a skank and that Brendan should call me a douche and move on. I've never met this kid in the one year Brendan and I dated, he doesn't know me from a whole in the wall. So i told Brendan to tell his friends the truth and to have them drop this childish bullshit. I told him I have never been so disrespected and hurt in my WHOLE life. I really did nothing to deserve this and I cant believe he could tell me he loved me and try to buy me back with expensive dinners and promises of a future knowing he had said those things about me?! Someone who loves you does not spread lies via the world wide web just because it dissolves any guilt on their part to others and in an attempt to feel better. It's sad and pathetic and I don't need someone so hurtful in my life.

Im so pensive tonight, haven't had such an urge to write in forever....god i miss it.

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 23:39:35 GMT

Sometimes I wish I could travel back and remember what time with certain people felt like. To know if an aged memory is only remembering only the good emotions or merely the most important feelings. There had to have been bad times with everyone, but if you only think kindly what does that say? Does it say you just forgot the pain, or is it just not important because the good feelings were so much more prevalent, so much stronger?

"For in her he saw beauty over flowing through the tattered clothes"

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 23:35:34 GMT

I'm torn between the past and what could be the future. Im confused and every decision I make, every action I take, seems to be wrong in one way or another. I usually try to follow my heart but what do you do when your heart is branching in two entirely different directions? Which side, which life in reality, in this case, do I choose? Do you go with the person whose always been there lurking in the shadows, appearing every now and again to pull on your heart strings and remind you of his presence? Do you go with him because when he touches you your heart beats a million miles a minute and you feel like its your first crush all over again? You are nervous and excited at the same time with every passing second your near him. He's never said a negative thing about you and than again up until recently, up until that night of drunken confessions, he's never even called you beautiful because hes not "the sentimental type". He has called you cute and adorable but your not a fucking puppy and maybe you need more than cute and adorable. Do you choose the branch that leads to him even though its laced in doubt and the cobwebs of the past, the unsureness of what may come, and the overall fear of have you made the wrong choice? Do you choose him because the feelings never went away no matter how you tried, no matter if 6 years has passed since you first fell for him? Do you let youself get into something even if he is 5 hours away during the school year? Or you choose the direction of the sometimes sweet guy. The one who has hurt you more times than you can count on your fingers and toes, has said horrible things out of anger, out of an excuse of having a buzz? The one who gets emotional with you, seems to worship the ground you walk on despite these sometimes horrible times? Do you stand by him because he tells you almost everyday that you are beautiful, that you are unique and amazing, even though in the past he's tried to change you. Do you pick him because hes seen some of your worst times with your family and only walked away thinking you a strong person? He says now that he thinks your the one and that he would propose and currently has thought how happy it would make him waking up 5 years from now next to you with jobs and kids and a life. Do you choose him because he wants a future, because he picks you up when your knees hurt and carries you to bed or to the car? Do chose him because he's materialistic and buys you gifts, is willing to spend his last dime on you, and you can tell his heart is breaking in two now that your not his? Which path do you choose? The path of the past or the path of a potential future? What if you choose wrong, even if ones not the sentimental type does he not bleed the same as any other? Does he not hurt like the rest, even if he wont show or admit to it? Could you live with the fact of always wondering "what if?" as you have so many times before? Or do you crush someone who tried for a year, in their own way to show you that they cant be without you, that they love you so much? These thoughts alone have had me in a twisted torment of what was, what is, and what may be. But now information has surfaced, whether its true or not, that could completely SHATTER the emotions of being something special to the guy of the past. Shatter the very feeling that he sets you apart from others even if he doesnt come out and say it, you just kinda know, and that now that your in his grasp your his only focus...for once...finally. What does one do when even their heart doesnt know the answer?

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 13:25:54 GMT

It's been a day and Im lonely.

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:37:15 GMT

How can it mean anything to me,
if I really don't feel a thing at all?

I'll, keep, digging
till I, feel, something.

Tears are words the heart cannot bare to say

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 12:58:19 GMT

Found out last night that on Monday night my father got stabbed in the back and had to get 13 stitches. I didn't know it earlier but I was playing cards with nana and a police officer called the house looking for him. He asked for Shiela and I let him know that that woman would never dare step foot in this house and he laughed and said "that's good." With every new situation with my father it becomes more and more apparent that he will never smarten up and never ever straighten out. He doesnt have the care to even try, which hurts the worst. I wish someone knew how bad this feels. I know he will not be around for me and my brother too much longer. He tried getting into too many battles and he doesnt realize that its not the 70s, 80s, or even the 90s. People no longer have the balls to fight with fists...they bring weapons. One day he's going to get shot and killed. The bottle to his head which cut a main artery wasnt enough and this is the second time in less than 2 year he has gotten stabbed. I suppose a death like that is the best I can hope for him. Especially after what brendans mother said about how some alcoholics die....their liver explodes (at least i believe she said liver) and blood spews out of their mouth similar to the pea soup from the exorcist. it will spray the whole room and cover it in blood before stopping and than my father will need to be cleaned up and his skin will be yellow with jaundice at his funeral....a funeral I will not be attending. I can't do funerals, I've never been to a single one, and my dad's is going to be especially painful. For anyone who reads this, give your father a nice hug if he is around because my father use to be a good dad. He use to make leaf piles for me to jump in, he made me a tire swing, made igloos and ice hills to slide down, and he taught me how to drive on the highway. We were close once and I love him to this day despite all the pain he's put me through and I fear so much for what the future holds for him that as i type this tears pour from my eyes. So tell your father you love him if he is there, if hes sober, and especially if he will probably do anything for you because mine wont....

running in place

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 15:16:31 GMT

I need a job and to start my life. To get an apartment, pay my bills, do what i want, and like i said just generally START MY LIFE. Lately I feel I am on a treadmil, i make all the effort and get nowhere.

...don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky....

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 15:07:42 GMT

I feel like I'll never get married and if by some miracle I marry someone who knows if my father will be around to walk me down the aisle or to have the father daughter dance with me and it makes me very very sad. I want to be in head over heels love and than have that person love me so much in return that they feel they wouldn't know what to do without me, so much so that they decide to make me theirs forever. I want that to happen. I want all of our family members to watch us tie the knot and that includes my father. But im not at that junture of my life relationship wise, I cant get into things like I wish I could. I don't let myself and even when i sit there screaming internally for myself to allow it, for some reason it doesnt work, i can't do it. Now i wonder if I cant with brendan because he's not the one but he loves me and I do care for him. I just worry we're wasting each others time because he and I both know, and he's even said it outloud, that both of us could probably find someone a little more suited to ourselves, someone who at least has the same beliefs. He is more of a conservative type when it comes to anything ranging from partying to raising children and I am not conservative at all. Im more of a free spirit and while he would never ever allow his children to know say the drugs he has done or if he had a daughter let her date young. I would want to be open and honest with my children about everything. My parents were honest with me and its kept me away from sex at a very early age (lost my virginity at 17) and hardcore drugs such as heroin or cocaine. Whereas Brendan's mother was very tight lipped and he had sex at 14 and at one point in his life had a cocaine problem. Also, I like to go on trips, go to festivals, do things that make me feel like im living my life to its fullest potential but at the same time I think I am a very responsible person. I work, go to school, maintain good grades, and pay all of my bills. I want to find a full time job to move out but that isn't going to mean I dont want to still go on trips or go to festivals. Brendan isn't like that. Not only are these things not his cup of tea, he gets hurt and mad when I want to go do them because he feels im "leaving him and don't even care". He also tells me I am basically childish because I want to go on trips and stuff. But on the other hand he isn't all bad. He rubs icy hot on my knees when they hurt, carries me to bed if they hurt, he gives me back rubs, buys me dinner, has a gift for me for every special occasion and even days where there is not special ocassion, he's romantic, and likes to "spoil me" even if every once in a while he throws that spoiling back in my face. Thats when I let him know, listen I dont ask for this shit whether you do it or not does not affect me. But he is a pretty nice guy. I just honestly am torn to all hell because of lingering feelings with someone else. I wish I could just know who is truly the waste of my time. Is it just memories and naivity which make me cling to this other person or is it that I am really suppose to be with them? Or is it butterflies and the grass is greener philosophy and Im just running scared from Brendan because he wants to move out with me and he actually tells me he could see a future with me. Everyone fights and Brendan and I are no different but sometimes I feel some of the content and intensity of our fights are not normal or at least no good. I don't know. I am so torn and that also makes me sad because it embellishes the fears of me never finding someone to marry. I just wish I could see into some sort of crystal ball and see how my life would go if I made one decision versus the next and see where my life goes, than I could not have this turmoil and could just try to be truly happy for once and open myself up to those head over heels feelings that Im starting to think will never return to my life.

Crazy Asss Weekend

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 05:06:19 GMT

Man this weekend was so fucked. Saw Friday the 13th on Friday with Brendan. It was decent, lots of boobs as usual. Can't have a horror movie without the whores right? We bickered a little as we always do. Saturday I worked and from the moment I got out of work the day got worse ending in a botched Valentine's Day Celebration which including screaming arguments, missed sunsets, me almost walking home from Salem N.H by choice and Brendan chasing me down in a car, etc. I could get into much more detail but just trust me when I say it was no good and spare me from telling all the details. Than i called bekka after bawling my eyes out in the walmart parking lot at 730 because I was sitting there watching my boyfriend eat taco bell on valentines day after a horrible mess of events. I may be "a guy" as Brendan is convinced but when it comes to shit like this Im a typical girl in many ways. He went in to buy soda for my grandparent's house and I called Bekka to vent. She had been blown off and brendan actually came up with the idea for all of us to meet and chill at Oriental Gardens for a bit. We ended up drinking and Bekka got me up singing Kareoke. Who walks in right before we go on but Sarah Houle and Kim wood. A few weeks ago Sarah spilt her whole entire beer on my lap at Ped's and she swore up and down shed buy me a beer next time because she had no cash. So she finally made good on her word and than Bekka and I's names were called. We sang "Turn the Page" Metallica's version and I wasn't even buzzed yet. Than I got quite a buzz on and about an hour alter we were up there singing "Parabola" by Tool haha. I also found out yesterday that my aunt was going to put her dog Jake that has been with her and my uncle pat for 8 years or so. He is the biggest but sweetest rottie. My brother found out today and just clung to me, he wouldn't even let me go so I could go from standing to sitting next to him at his guest bed at nana's. I told him i cried too and that Jake was in a lot of pain and that it was better for him this way. He shook his head and dried his tears. It was hard for me to see him like that and I honestly cannot recall him ever clinging so tight to me. Than out of nowhere Anthony ims me through facebook. Out of nowhere, as usual. Ughhh he sure does have interesting timing...

Volunteering

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:54:01 GMT

Today I woke up at 7am so that I could go with my nana and volunteer. We went to a nearby school where the brown bag program came and brought food. To set up we had to take the brown bags and put them into plastic bag so the elderly could use the handles from the plastic bag to carry it. Once its in the bag you must open both up and line them 4 at a time on the cafeteria tables. Nana and I were one of the first people there and in total i'd say we must've prepped at least 160 bags. Than we ran around putting some stuff in the bags and than started an assembly line. From 8:00-11:30 we prepared over 1000 bags and our quota was only 775! It made me feel great to be helping people out and all the old people thought it was wonderful some girl with tattoos, piercings, and multitonal hair was here helping out right beside them. I had to explain my tattoos of course and "how do those balls in your neck stay in!" a bit but all in all i walked away feeling really good about the deed i had done and the time i put in. I'm exhausted and sore and have all these scratches up my arms from helping bag so much at such a fast time but it all is so worth it :D

Sick

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:00:40 GMT

I am sick of seeing my "best friend" once a week, if that, for merely an hour or two. I'm sick of a boyfriend who is so insecure I can literally hang out with 2 people or else i get grief.I'm sick of "friends" blowing me off. Im just so sick of the human race. We all deserve to go down in 2012. The end.

-Exhausted, Nonsensical Ramblings-

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 03:44:54 GMT

It's so amazing how one phone call has the power to potentionally make or break a day. I got home from work tonight, which my day pertaining to work is a whole other matter that could be discussed, and there is a note on the counter that says "Tiesha" at the bottom of it. The top of it says Liberty Mutual "Nancy", and a phone number right below it. He tells me that he did not get a chance to talk about my second medical bill i received as a result of the hospital visit I had the night of my accident (December 12th). He told the agent about the first bill which was about 268 dollars from a doctor who saw me for 1/2 hour combined out of a 4+ hour hospital visit. This doctor almost poked me in the eye while checking my ear; his hands were sprawled out on my face. This guy also insists I get a ct san and than proceeds to get me not one but two ct scans which I must wait an hour for because they had to "call in a technician." A day or two after the original bill I get a second bill. It says "Maxilla ct" and something about a full head ct-each for 167 dollars! Soo we're looking at a large sum of money that I do not have if they decide not to pay my bills for any reason. Another issue, I just signed up for my new car's insurance with Liberty Mutual. Will they notice this and than proceed to up my current cost? If so I would have an enormous amount of debt on my hands with little to no help at all from the hours I'm currently working. I also start school in a week. Now do you understand the power one phone call has? Best case scenario: they pay for the medical bills and do not do anything to my car insurance for my new car. Reasonable scenario: they pay for the medical bills but up my current rate. Worst case scenario: They do not pay for a single bill and they up my current rate. Plummeting me into debt on top of the current 1200 dollar debt. I find myself so anxious and nervous. All i can think is that i'll end up with the worst case scenario and i honestly don't know what i would do. How would i go to bonnaroo? How would i save any money at all? How would I be able to pay off my debt and make car payments on a part time wage? My mind's racing a million miles a minute and the sleep I was hoping to have tonight is probably as realistic as it has been the last four days. I either wake up several times or only once or twice but for a long period of time. Thats how it has been for the last 3 days; I had originally hoped that it would end tonight.So much for that :/

Life Update

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 16:22:08 GMT

Things have calmed down a bit. I got a brand new car so I don't feel like a caged animal anymore and my grandmother admitted she was taking things out on me, things that she should be taking up with my mother. I had written her a letter and told her i didn't want to live here anymore than she wants me here, i don't want to be a burden but theres no where else to go. She continued to tell me i was not a burden but literally the next day started nagging me and making me feel like a burden once again. Ugh i wish i could put my life on fast forward and be done with college and working a full time job, living on my own and not having to deal with anyone I dont want to. These people that call themselves family constantly put me down in various ways and Im just sick of feeling depressed and feeling like im one foot tall. I have enough security issues on my own, i dont need anyone adding on to them. In other news, brendan and i have not been fighting as much, just little bickering. Its a relief because im 21 years old, i want peace. i have enough disturbances in my life with my family, i dont need a stressful and quarrelsome relationship too. relationships are suppose to make you feel good, all warm and fuzzy inside, its suppose to be a comfort to have someone, not a burden so im glad its turning into that.hmm...other news. People from what i call "the old crew" have been popping into my life lately. I've been talking and trying to see matty t, bumped into katie, bumped into hannah, talked to paul torla on the phone and he ended up coming down to peds last friday, anthony added me and i messaged him a bit just asking how he was and such, and ive been contacting eagan a lot on myspace. he might stop into my work which would be nice because thats a face i havent seen in a while. it makes me sad to hear all the horrible things that happened to him because he was one of the only people from matts friends that totally got me and made an effort to be friends with me. He would tell me that others within the group didn't get me and thought bad of me because they didn't get me. but he actually took the time t tell me and than when i got a little upset he told me that they could go fuck themselves and that i was not a bad person and i should just be who i am. in any case,its so weird, these people use to see me like every day and than when Matt and i stopped dating/talking its like they disappeared into space only to return years later. while its a bit odd talking to some of them again and revisiting old memories its also comforting in a sense to have old characters return either briefly or come back into your life all together. thats about all i have to ramble on about today. ill try to write soon, shits just been very hectic and i never have time to read, write, or any other hobbies i use to enjoy.

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 05:20:06 GMT

I am going to end up hurting myself, or hurting my grandparents. And by hurt i mean i will end up going into their room and fucking cutting that cunt of a woman's throat so deep that even in the next life she will not be able to recover. I need to get out, I need to move. I've never been so serious, bad things will happen if i don't get a way out of here....

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 01:10:18 GMT

I just hope I can find a part time job or a new job all together and be able to get a car before at elast February.If not things are going to be really shitty, this whole being dependent on people makes me feel super uneasy

random

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:09:11 GMT

My appetite has been shit for the past three days. ive hardly eaten half of what i normally do and all i want to do is be stoned, i don't want to deal with college shit or relationship shit. I don't want to feel depressed like I do, so i smoke and smoke and smoke to try and numb it, to try and push it aside until there will be a time I can handle it. Now im almost out of bud already and I have no clue when JJ will go again to get more. Ive been so blah for the past week and a half at least. Everythings so fucked up. ill probably end up getting back together with brendan even though im not sure its the right thing. i love him and he seems much better but i love doing what i want as well. i dont want him to be controlling like he was or hateful or hurtful. i really do hope the therapist he's been seeing a magical cure and all of a sudden it will be a complete fairy tale but somehow i doubt it. i was reading over my old written journals from like 2004 and i realize that since matt i have not honestly been head over heels for anyone. i was reading and the way i talked about scott and matt and earlier crushes is miles away from how i talk about people i like or love now. its like i cannot feel for people like i used to, like ive been tainted. i havent put as much of myself into it, haven't allowed myself to be giddy or mushy, havent allowed myself to fall head over heels. the type where you cant stop thinking about the person when your not with them, how everything reminds you of them, how you have a shit eating grin when you think about them, see them, or talk to them. i havent been quite like that in years. will i ever be again? will i ever open up to someone like that and let them in like that? will i ever be into certain people as much as they are to me? is it selfish not to give my whole self to people but know they do it? Ugh i dunno. life is always so fucked.

rambling

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 13:45:45 GMT

I should have never seriously considered that fact that it could have worked between myself and brendan. usually with good looking guys they love themselves more than they love you, in my case he was so insecure he couldnt even see through it and get past it to make it work. I mean a break up over a seating arrangement, are you kidding me?! Maybe i should go back to the guys who aren't so great looking but can stand themselves. I have tweaked and tamed my ways to try to calm him down for 8 months now. I have changed in ways I never wanted to, I have bended in ways I never should have, all for "love", all to make him happy. But he will never be happy. I know he will end up with some bimbo whose as fake as her acrylic nails and she will say one thing to his face and another behind his back. She may or may not show herself to be this fake and she may or may not crush him, ruining anything I had attempted in having him trust people again. Bottom line, he will either wake up and change or he will be unhappy. I dont want the worst for him, I want him to be happy and find someone perfect for him, but I cannot be that. I never could. I am a free spirit and he even knows it. I cannot be told dont do this dont do that and I was for 8 months. we compromised here and there but it was never good enough to make either one of us comfortable with the decision in the end. If i compromised I wasn't happy i did, if he did, he wasn't. it was a fucked up cycle. Bekka even wrote to me now you can be you, that really opened my eyes. have I not been me? probably not. I am usually so strong willed and do what i want and if im with a guy as long as it doesnt hurt the relationship i do not see the harm. but he always did. Id have to say this relationship was one rollercoaster. I loved him, I hated him, we were great, we were fighting, we couldnt think of a time without each other, we couldnt stand each other, it was so up and down and when it was good man was it good. But when it was bad, man the tears and screaming and anxiety for mainly me, but for him too (minus the tears). It was always intense, it was either intense love or intense anger going on with us and Ive never expereienced quite like it. Now hes admitting he sort of over reacted but sorta isn't good enough for me.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 04:54:58 GMT

I am beyond upset/pissed. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, if not my favorite. I had plans with Bekka, Brendan wanted to see me, made a stink so i hung out with him. He got the shit end of the stick at work and came over with the biggest attitude. he wanted me to do his makeup but he knows i am not good at it, i still tried my best. Than we go to his friends party and these girls are at this table and they leave to pee and leave their beers in their spot. So Brendan sits down and out of courtesy i sit next to steve and brandon because this kid got up to play beirut. Like 15 seconds later brandon (brendan's friend) gets up. Brendan doesn't move. than he leaves mid game and ignores me when I ask him for a fresh beer ( i had literally one beer ). Than he wonders around and i try to flag him over but he will not come. so than i go up to him eventually and he says he is done with me, because I didnt sit next to him at the table! I explained that those girls were sitting there so i just sat next to steve, better than a stranger or so I thought. brendan flipped out and i asked him to bring me home. than he donates beer I bought for us and we leave. i told him he was ridiculous, that i was done, that he gave up beer i bought to people and that he was acting like he was 5. wow i didnt sit next to him at the party, good reason not to want to be with me anymore. he was convinced steve and brandon gave him dirty looks but he doesnt even fucking know steve!!! he just started having classes with him, and he thought steve was after me when i brought him to the badfish with me, now all of a sudden this class opens his eyes that steve is a cool kid. Just not cool enough for me to sit next to him I suppose. Brendan is s fucking childish. he tells me he is going to work on his insecurities, and his getting mad and saying hurtful things, and here we are broken up on halloween night because of his insecurity about me not sitting next to him! I cant believe my halloween night is ruined, i spent all that time prepping and the people oi worked with worked hard to do my makeup and my hair and here i sit from 12:30 til now, at 1, alone. Bekka is at some part in sandown and she doesnt even know where she is. so fuck me right? i fucking HATE my LIFE!